Alan Simpson, the most avuncular-looking Mean Girl in Washington, is back at it again. He fired off a letter to the California Alliance of Retired Americans, months after making an appearance in the Golden State that included a protest by this group. It was clearly eating at his soul so much that he had to “set ‘em straight” on how they should shut up and take the reduction of future Social Security benefits for all Americans with some more dignity and grace:

To Whom It May Concern:

Erskine Bowles and I thoroughly enjoyed our time on the West Coast and received an excellent reception from folks — at least those who are using their heads and have given up using emotion, fear, guilt or racism to juice up their troops. Your little flyer entitled “Bowles! Simpson! Stop using the deficit as a phony excuse to gut our Social Security!” is one of the phoniest excuses for a “flyer” I have ever seen. You use the faces of young people, who are the ones who are going to get gutted while you continue to push out your blather and drivel. My suggestion to you — an honest one — read the damn report. The Moment of Truth — 67 pages, and then tell me if we’re not doing the right thing with Social Security. What a wretched group of seniors you must be to use the faces of the very people that we are trying to save, while the “greedy geezers” like you use them as a tool and a front for your nefarious bunch of crap. You must feel some sense of shame for shoveling out this bulls**t. Read the latest news from the Social Security Trustees. The Social Security System will not “hit the skids” in 2033 instead of 2036. If you can’t understand all of this you need a pane of glass in your naval so you can see out during the day! Read the report. Get back to me. My address is below.

If you don’t read the report, — as Ebenezer Scrooge said in the Christmas Carol, “Haunt me no longer!”

Best regards,
Alan Simpson

Simpson dated the letter April 6, but it didn’t get to California until this week, suggesting that the cost-conscious former Senator prefers to use the more frugal method of postal delivery, the Pony Express.

I actually have read The Moment of Truth so you don’t have to, and I can say confidently that the section on Social Security only makes sense if you believe, as Simpson does, that elderly Americans are “greedy geezers” living high on the hog on their average of $13,000 a year in Social Security benefits. If you think they are robbing the system with their $1,100 a month, and ruining things for everyone else, if they think that the program could do with lowering that king’s ransom while still being adequate to keep older Americans out of poverty, given that it’s the main income source for a large chunk of them, then you’re in league with Alan Simpson. If not, you’re just part of the world’s biggest milk cow, the one with 310 million tits.

Nan Brasmer, the President of CARA, responded by saying that Simpson’s remarks “insult the intelligence and dedication of retiree activists who worry about their children and grandchildren’s future.” But what does she know: she’s so privileged she gets to retire at 67!