A story on the New York Times by Politico’s Media Writer Dylan Byers has set their newsroom on fire, literally. Screams, gun shots, and white on white racial epithets are flying as the reporting staff at Politico tries to pray their way through an existential crisis. How can a political blog keep making things stories that are not stories? I gchated with people who should have known better to find out.

“When I came to work at Tiger Beat er uh Politico I knew we would be doing questionable stories but this is just ridiculous.” said a senior mid level junior staffer.

The charges against the writer, Dylan Byers, inside the newsroom have been quite severe. “How can you use unnamed sources for such personal attacks with no news value? Dylan is a douchebag.” groused one reporter who wished to remain anonymous.

“I spent my trust fund money going to journalism school for this?” said one reporter while texting on her phone.

Now is the part of the story where I realize I might want to work for Politico one day (maybe I’m even auditioning to work on their media desk) and try to dissipate some of the venom of the earlier comments.That’s called careerist hedging journalism.

But really, Politico is just one big family. The staff actually just wants more time with stories about other news organizations. “It’s not that this story sucks out loud, it’s that we don’t get enough of these great stories, that’s my real complaint somehow.” said a relevant editor who was intimately involved with the story from a distance.

Some have even said Byers is a caricature of a man writing about a woman executive. “I don’t think Dylan knows how dumb his stories are. If he would be less of a man he would understand things better.” said a sexist reporter not me.

Now is the time when I stop being so transparent and get back to talking about gossip because why else would you read anything I write?

“People who work here have sex sometimes.” said a Politico reporter who is even more attractive than you think she/he is.

“I’ve heard about drug use at Politico. As in I heard someone say ‘drug use’” said a reliable source.

Now it’s time to show I really am a serious analyst and there is a larger lesson from this post about changing media and stuff.

The real issue with Politico going forward is how can they keep speaking truth to power and doing the in your face journalism no one ever thought they did while also churning out a steady stream of meaningless ephemeral factoids, that if properly assembled, can seem like news. “We need to remember who we are.” said a deranged vagabond outside Politico’s office who speaks with Politico staff daily in between screaming at cars.

And there you have it, the inside story of the inside story on the New York Times. That’s right, I wrote something that mentioned the New York Times, I matter now. So close to a Pulitzer I can taste it.

This information is important for you to know. Now you can live. Live.

This post is obviously satire.