The Grumpy Positioning System

Lost in all the news and controversy about health care, almost nobody has noticed the legislation introduced by the Minority Leader, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), intended to revamp the Global Positioning System. This is unfortunate, as Senator McConnell’s bill would have profound effects on the daily lives of millions of people.

"There are several problems with the current GPS system," explains Senator McConnell in the explanatory remarks that accompany the bill. "It’s way too socialist – it tells you to turn left just as often, or maybe even oftener, than it tells you to turn right. And it’s way too soft-spoken, very un-American, in the way it expresses itself. It’s even more polite than Obama, when everyone knows that the true American spirit is best expressed with antagonism and belligerence."

Senator McConnell’s proposed system, which he calls GPS II, but which the technology-savvy critics have dubbed the Grumpy Positioning System (named after the Grumpy Oldsters Party), would involve re-programming the current GPS satellites so that they will download new software to all hand-held and vehicle-mounted GPS navigation devices. The result will be changes both in the directions provided, and how the directions are communicated to the user.

CNet.com, having gotten their hands on a beta version of the GPS II software, has published the following transcript of a typical set of instructions delivered by an in-car GPS navigation display:

"OK dummy, try to turn right in about 500 feet, if that’s not too advanced for you!"

"Hey, what the hell are you doing! I said you should turn right, not left! What’s the matter with you? You some kind of leftist homo queer or something?"

"Now whatever you do, keep to the right for the next, oh, 14 years or so. That’s right, keep to the right. If not, I’ll report you as a frigging anti-American. I got connections, you know!"

"Where do you think you’re going! I said to keep right! Look, this is your last chance: If you want to save Christmas, you got to turn right at the next intersection. Or else!"

When asked if he thought his bill had any chance of being passed, Senator McConnell was fairly optimistic. "We’re working on it. So far we’ve bought 43 senators, so we only need to bribe 8 or 9 more!"

To be continued…

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