Barack Obama in “Poker Night”

I’m bored and somewhat inspired by Tbogg’s “Barack Obama Buys A Lawnmower” post, so I thought I’d give this satire thing a shot with a one-act play.

INT. BASEMENT

The basement is dark and filled with smoke as three men are sitting around a poker table, playing Texas Hold ‘Em. MITCH is smirking as he puts down his cards, then scowls when he sees JOHN hold up his own cards, then rake in the chips.

MITCH: Ah, just one more and I woulda had a better hand!

JOHN: Not my fault the cards clearly wanted me to win this one.

BARACK enters the room after running down the stairs. MITCH and JOHN look up from their cards as a third player is dealing again.

MITCH: (muttering to JOHN) Oh man, not him again.

JOHN: You think that idiot woulda learned his lesson after we cleaned him out last night.

BARACK slams a giant stack of dollar bills on the table.

BARACK: (excitedly) Hey guys, can I play now? I wanna be one of the cool kids!

MITCH and JOHN both look up at the stack.

MITCH: Where did you get that money?

BARACK: Well, my friend had this stash, and he wasn’t using it for anything…

JOHN: You took money from your own friend?

MITCH whistles.

MITCH: Well, is that all? Our buy-in is slightly bigger than last time…

BARACK digs into his pockets and pulls out a necklace.

JOHN: Is that your wife’s necklace?

BARACK: Does this show you how serious I am?

MITCH: Sure, sure. Have a seat.

BARACK takes a seat on the opposite side of the table from MITCH and JOHN and picks up his hand after the cards are dealt. After looking them over for a few seconds, he turns them to face the other players.

BARACK: Well, in the interest of fairness, I thought I should start by showing you the cards I hold.

MITCH and JOHN: (sarcastically) Oh my…we can’t possibly beat those cards!

BARACK jumps back with a forlorn expression on his face.

BARACK: What? I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. Please, don’t be mad at me…here, have some of my money as a peace offering.

MITCH and JOHN seem pleased as BARACK takes half the stack of cash and gives the two players an equal share.

MITCH: Well, this seems like a nice gesture.

JOHN: But if you were serious, you would give us the rest of the cash.

MITCH and JOHN laugh with each other at their own joke, but Barack takes the rest of his cash and hands it over to the two.

BARACK: Here, take it, I didn’t mean to make you upset.

MITCH and JOHN continue laughing as he gives them the rest of his cash.

MITCH: Wow, you really are a sucker.

BARACK laughs out loud, thinking he got the joke while the other two simply smile.

JOHN: All right, let’s sit down and play some poker!

BARACK looks at his cards again, and puts his necklace on the center of the table as the other two post their blinds.

BARACK: Guess I better go all in, now that I’ve given you folks an incentive to let me play.

JOHN: Oh, Barry, you flatter us with your honesty.

Eventally, the fourth and fifth cards are laid down on the table, and BARACK appears to have a winning hand after all. Just as he is about to collect the pot, MITCH stops him.

BARACK: What’s wrong? Didn’t I have the right hand?

JOHN: Yeah, but uh…MITCH had “all reds,” which beats whatever your hand is.

BARACK: That doesn’t sound right, but I trust your words. I don’t want to sound too judgmental after all.

BARACK pushes himself backwards and stands up from his chair.

BARACK: Ah well, guess I lose.

MITCH: Yeah, too bad, you really had it going there.

BARACK: (jovially) I’ll be back when I get some money! Just you wait!

JOHN: (sarcastically) Won’t your friends and family be mad at you?

BARACK: Who cares about them? They don’t know how poker is really played like we do! Right, fellas?

BARACK exits the basement via the stairs. After a brief pause, the three players laugh heavily.

MITCH: Oh man, what a sucker!

JOHN: (to the third player) Now I know why you let him join our game!

–fin–

INT, BASEMENT

The basement is dark and filled with smoke as three men are sitting around a poker table, playing Texas Hold ‘Em. MITCH is smirking as he puts down his cards, then scowls when he sees JOHN hold up his own cards, then rake in the chips.

MITCH

Ah, just one more and I woulda had a better hand!

JOHN

Not my fault the cards clearly wanted me to win this one.

BARACK enters the room after running down the stairs. MITCH and JOHN look up from their cards as a third player is dealing again.

MITCH

(muttering to JOHN)

Oh man, not him again.

JOHN

You think that idiot woulda learned his lesson after we cleaned him out last night.

BARACK slams a giant stack of dollar bills on the table.

BARACK

(excitedly)

Hey guys, can I play now? I wanna be one of the cool kids!

MITCH and JOHN both look up at the stack.

MITCH

Where did you get that money?

BARACK

Well, my friend had this stash, and he wasn’t using it for anything…

JOHN

You took money from your own friend?

MITCH whistles.

MITCH

Well, is that all? Our buy-in is slightly bigger than last time…

BARACK digs into his pockets and pulls out a necklace.

JOHN

Is that your wife’s necklace?

BARACK

Does this show you how serious I am?

MITCH

Sure, sure. Have a seat.

BARACK takes a seat on the opposite side of the table from MITCH and JOHN and picks up his hand after the cards are dealt. After looking them over for a few seconds, he turns them to face the other two players.

BARACK

Well, in the interest of fairness, I thought I should start by showing you all the cards I hold.

MITCH and John

(sarcastically)

Oh my…we can’t possibly beat those cards!

BARACK jumps back with a forlorn expression on his face.

BARACK

What? I didn’t mean to cause any trouble. Please, don’t be mad at me…here, have some of my money as a peace offering.

MITCH and JOHN seem pleased as BARACK takes half the stack of cash and gives the two players an equal share.

MITCH

Well, this seems like a nice gesture.

JOHN

But if you were serious, you would give us the rest of the cash.

MITCH and JOHN laugh with each other at their own joke, but Barack takes the rest of his cash and hands it over to the two.

BARACK

Here, take it, I didn’t mean to make you upset.

MITCH and JOHN continue laughing as he gives them the rest of his cash.

MITCH

Wow, you really are a sucker.

BARACK laughs out loud, thinking he got the joke while the other two simply smile.

JOHN

All right, let’s sit down and play some poker!

BARACK looks at his cards again, and puts his necklace on the center of the table as the other two post their blinds.

BARACK

Guess I better go all in, now that I’ve given you folks an incentive to let me play.

JOHN

Oh, Barry, you flatter us with your honesty.

Eventally, the fourth and fifth cards are laid down on the table, and BARACK appears to have a winning hand after all. Just as he is about to collect the pot, MITCH stops him.

BARACK

What’s wrong? Didn’t I have the right hand?

JOHN

Yeah, but uh…MITCH had “all reds,” which beats whatever your hand is.

BARACK

That doesn’t sound right, but I trust your words. I don’t want to sound too judgmental after all.

BARACK pushes himself backwards and stands up from his chair.

BARACK (CONT’D)

Ah well, guess I lose.

MITCH

Yeah, too bad, you really had it going there.

BARACK

(jovially)

I’ll be back when I get some money! Just you wait!

BARACK exits the basement via the stairs. After a brief pause, the three players laugh heavily.

MITCH

Oh man, what a sucker!

JOHN

(to the third player)

Now I know why you let him join our game!